Hi, I'm the Olde Fogie Farm cat. Most of you probably didn't know the farm has one of my kind. In that case, I'm Tigger; it's nice to meet you. Like you, I too am a guest here. Bed and breakfast living is the life for me. After a night of chasing mice, I look forward to the moment when Farmer Tom presents breakfast in bed (I sleep above the goat milking station.) The milk is served just the way I like: freshly squeezed and with a frothy foam top. He also provides a portion of store-bought kitty chow (a welcome indulgence.) He puts the bowls up on my rafter side suite. It has been three years now, and I wouldn't consider checking out anytime soon. I'm thinking of applying for residency... but there is the matter of Biz and her bird friends.
Biz enjoys watching birds (me too.) She says that cats scare away birds (I disagree.) Naturally, she prefers having Milk Snakes for mousers. However, I know that said snakes include eggs and birds on their menus. If you really want to know, I am allowed to be here because the thought of snakes send shivers up and down the farmer's backbone. Once, my presence was in jeopardy when a few scattered feathers were found by the birdbath. Imagine that, I got accused of nothing because some overly vain birdie plucked a few too many lashes from her brow line. I don't eat chickadees, just chicken of the sea.
Nevertheless, I speculate that dumb dog Eli has been given the job of keeping an eye on me. He thinks he's a police dog. Because of him I spend a bit of time - actually, all of my time - up in the barn rafters. I can't take a proper catnap. I have to keep an eye open at all times when I'm down on the ground. When he spots me, he charges forward with teeth bared and gums flapping.
Give a kitty a break! This farm is big enough for the both of us. Sure, I might tease Eli a little by coming down low to his level and pretending I don't see him sneaking up behind. Farmer Tom may shout at him to stop, but I always blast off at the last second. I like to tehee as he tries to figure out why I'm way up in the rafters and not be between his teeth. It doesn't hurt him and it makes Tom laugh. Besides, Eli needs his exercise.
He also needs a fools cap with jingle bells on it. I swear it takes all his brain cells working together to make that silly tail wag. Have you ever noticed that he can't bark and wag his tail at the same time? It's kind of like not being able to walk and chew gum: funny but pathetic. I suggest we add a little bling to his collar. I recommend a big old rhinestone encrusted cowbell. That would allow me to get a nap in the sunshine. After all, I'm on vacation here!
Hey wait a minute, that's what Eli needs: a vacation. Maybe there's a nice obedience school down in Florida. I think the Fogies might spring for it. I hear from Rochester Rooster* that Biz has been regularly tuning into the Dog Whisperer TV show. And word on the ground is that she recently bought a leash. Even if obedience school is out of the question, maybe with him living under leash laws I'll finally get the peace and quiet I deserve. A cat can only dream.
* Rochester is the farm's TV critic. I don't know about that bird, he acts like he is from Hollywood. You can see what I mean if you read the 2001 newsletter.